Long Time No Post

Can't believe it has been over a year since I last posted on here. Revisiting Blogger is for me like visiting that old friend that seems to beckon you back into their world. What has changed for me, lately? Well not very much the pains of all my loss still draws a lot of my energy away, depression and anxiety tends to be my greatest foe. I surround myself with things that make me feel safe and sheltered. I am a pretty quiet person now that gets panic attacks when I hear slamming doors, or people yelling at each other. Triggers that can be so bad that it feels as if my heart is leaping out of my chest. In my mind I know I am not having a heart attack but when these occur that strange feeling catches you off guard.

Lately I have been feeling something that almost feels as if I am grieving the loss of something important, but I have no idea what it could be. I know for a fact, I do happen to miss a lot of my friends that I used to chat with online and it seems that only a select few actually made an attempt to keep in contact with me. To those friends I really appreciate all that you have had to deal with during my bad bouts of anxiety. Believe me I know that being a part of my life isn't easy, I tend to frustrate Steve a lot, but he still stays with me. To the others, well I know for a fact I will see a lot of em again, and of course since the majority are all gamers, I will catch each and everyone on various MMO's or even just on a simple Zynga game that has pretty much everyone under their wing.

I spend my time doing things that I enjoy, I love talking to almost anyone who will give me the time of day online. I think sometimes a few folks regret even opening that door to me, others well, I have made some real awesome friends, some that have really helped me through this trying time in my life. Right now I tend to feel as if everything is falling apart around me, As I drive past the streets where I call my temporary shelter, (my friend who happened to care enough not to see Steve and I go homeless house,) I see so many that have so little living in tent cities,or just on the street that have truly started to give up on life. Most are in desperate need of medical care but due to the lack of jobs or any means to take care of themselves, people turn a blind eye to em. Sadly I can't do that. I may have very little, but I feel if there is something I may have that may bring a little sunshine into someone else's life I give it. I have no cash, but I do what I can even though it might not be much.

I am still unemployed and fighting for work. I never thought I would be out of work this long. Back last year if you were to tell me that at this point I still would be at the point of struggle, I wouldn't believe you. In my day if I got laid off from some where within six weeks I would be back up on my feet. A year ago I took a great loss, all my possessions, all my pets, everything pretty much ripped from my life. My dream totally crushed in front of me.

Most of my time has been spent in front of a computer looking for jobs or trying to escape the reality that is my life. Right now some of that escape has been yanked away from me. But I make due with what I have. I am actually thankful for what I have.

Since I lost all my stories that I used to read to my nieces when they were young. I am going to start the long process of rewriting everything again. Some good memories were within those worlds, some that if in the future I have my own children I would like to pass down to them.